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Staples Springs Into Action With Plan for Gulf Shrimpers

The Nimrods Never Cease to Amaze Me
Posted by WhosPlayin on 2010/5/13 1:30:00 (2327 reads)

You may have read about this already in Harold Cook's Letters from Texas, but Texas Ag Commisioner Todd Staples finally had an idea to help Texas shrimpers deal with the possibility of the Gulf oil slick devastating the Texas shores.

Now we have been forwarded from an anonymous source, this draft press release from Staples:

Todd Staples Announces His Plan To Prepare Gulf Coast Shrimp Industry For Oil Spill Hit

LUBBOCK--While traveling west Texas this week to ask people to shoot videos to promote tourism in Texas, Agriculture Commissioner Todd Staples decided it was about time he did something related to actual agriculture in Texas. As a result, he released a seven-point plan to help aide shrimpers and fisherman on the Texas Gulf Coast in the event that the BP oil spill reaches the Texas coastline.

"Jerry Patterson assures me that it won't happen, and Governor Perry tells me God won't let this happen, but even so, I thought it would be best to be at least semi-prepared to help our hardworking fisherman and shrimpers along the Texas Gulf Coast," Commissioner Todd Staples said from the back of an air-conditioned suburban traveling through Lubbock.

"Toward that end, we're really proud to announce our multi-point plan to help these folks out in the event a little bit of that oil should wash up on the Texas Coast," he continued.

Staples plan includes seven major points:

1.) Cleaning the shrimp. Commissioner Staples is proposing deploying thousands of Salad Spinners and 100,000 bottles of Dawn dishwashing liquid to the Texas Gulf Coast to help clean oil-covered shrimp. "They can just put the shrimp in the Salad Spinner, squeeze in a little Dawn, pour in a cup of water, and give that baby a whirl," Staples said. "The result will be clean shrimp." Staples said the shrimp would have a blue coloring to them, but it would not be harmful to eat the shrimp. "They may taste a little soapy to the average consumer, but that's no big deal. Dawn keeps the fleas off my dogs in the summer, so I'm sure it'll help make Texans flea-free," he continued.

2.) Devising Uses For Oily Shrimp. "In spite of our best efforts with the Salad Spinner Shrimp Program (SSSP), we know there will be some shrimp that die and float to the surface, or live and are caught, that are covered in oil," Staples said. Staples said that he is planning a new Go Texan marketing program called "Ready 2 Fry," to help market the seemingly damaged--but still yummy--shrimp. "The average family in Texas spends $50 a year on cooking oil to fry shrimp. With these shrimp, no cooking oil is necessary. Heck, you could fry them in a pie pan over a camp fire and they wouldn't stick," Staples noted. Staples also noted that waste oil that seeps from the shrimp during the cooking process can be collected and used to fry other Go Texan products. "We're working on this great fried grape dish for the state fair to promote the Texas wine industry--and it'll all be cooked with reclaimed Gulf Coast Shrimp Oil," he said.

3.) Helping Our Producers. In spite of the best efforts of the SSSP and "Ready 2 Fry" Programs, Commissioner Staples realizes that some Gulf Coast Shrimpers will still face a loss of income. "To offset lost income, we want to help our producers clean Texas beaches," Staples said. "I've worked out a partnership with Wal-Mart and Sam's Club stores to send 2.2 million plastic teaspoons to the Gulf Coast. Our out-of-work shrimpers will be paid minimum wage to spoon oil off our beaches and throw it back in the ocean," Staples said. "Scientists at Texas A&M have probably developed plastic-eating, oil-sucking microorganisms by now, and we can feed them by tossing spoons full of oily sand back into the ocean," Staples said. Uneaten spoons that wash back on shore will be retrieved by inmates from the Texas Department of Criminal Justice, chopped up into a fine meal, and used to help plug the oil spill, a TDS spokesperson noted.

4.) Import, Baby, Import. Commissioner Staples also plans on personally negotiating new trade agreements with Vietnam and other countries to help further increase shrimp imports to Texas. "Now, we have all seen on TV where what they are importing isn't exactly what they say it is. I mean, 'shrimp' could be anything," Staples said. "So, we're going to import lots of whatever passes for shrimp these days, take real oil-covered shrimp from the gulf coast and squeeze its juices all over the foreign 'shrimp,' chop it up real fine and market it as Texas Chrimp," Staples said. "With the success of faux crab meat (called Krab), we know there is a tremendous market for faux shrimp--and not just from cat food producers," Staples said. "By making this product TANF-eligible, we can re-introduce shrimp into the diets of thousands of needy families across Texas. It's much better than cat food, believe me," Staples said. "The 10th Amendment allows us to negotiate treaties to make this possible," Staples said.

5.) Reuse, Recycle, Revive. Commissioner Staples has awarded a $2.2 million dollar grant, taken from money originally slated for the home-delivered meals program administered by the department, to Texas A&M University to study shrimp re-animation. "We firmly believe if we freeze these shrimp, after spending millions on the project, that Texas A&M will figure out a way to re-animate them and bring them back to life--as well as to promote natural ways for the shrimp to vomit up the oil they have ingested so we can send it to refineries and put it back into production," Staples said. "In 20 years, people all over the world will be eating previously dead, previously frozen, now live shrimp from the Gulf Coast Oil Spill! Man, I hope I live to see that day," Staples noted.

6.) The Texas Oil-Covered Shrimp Border Initiative. Commissioner Staples also plans to take advantage of the Gulf Oil Spill to help curb illegal immigration to Texas. "We're going to take millions of shrimp that don't work for the SSSP program or the Ready 2 Fry program for whatever reason--perhaps because all of the Salad Spinners were in use and we couldn't get the shrimp there in time, or the shrimp washed up on the coast in an area where we weren't paying attention to anything--and send them to the Mexican border. We're going to dump tons of dead shrimp into the Rio Grande and all along the Texas shores of the river and leave them there to rot," Staples said. "Leo Berman, Debbie Riddle, and I have discussed this at length, and we believe this will be a great deterrent to illegal immigration. In addition, for those brave aliens who do get through the masses of rotting shrimp clogging the Rio Grande waterways and rotting along shore, Leo tells me that this will make them easier to identify as illegals, because they will not be able to wash the smell of rotting shrimp off their bodies for weeks, meaning that law enforcement need only look for people who smell like shrimp and not worry about actually asking for papers," Staples said.

7.) The Texas Rotten Shrimp School Lunch And Biology Program. Finally, Commissioner Staples announced that any shrimp left over from the Texas Oil-Covered Shrimp Border Initiative (TOCSBI) will be cleaned with Dawn, using Salad Spinners or tooth brushes, by TDCJ inmates, and used for school lunches. "Those shrimp that are less fit to eat will be sent to biology classrooms across the state so students can dissect them and learn how God created Shrimp, and that they are not gay," Staples said. "It is important for students to learn that these majestic creatures were created by God, and dissecting them is a great way to do this! I've talked to Don McLeroy on the SBOE about it, and he agrees. Since shrimp are also not gay, it will help students learn that seafood is okay to eat. Since Warren Chisum tells me that shrimp are not gay in the wild, we could potentially use these shrimp to help explain to Texas school children that the Texas Defense of Marriage Act, which I co-sponsored, is constitutional," Staples said.

"Shrimp are great and wonderful creatures," Staples said. "From sitting in a shrimp cocktail to teaching kids about the sanctity of marriage, they are a diverse agricultural product, and we must do everything in our power to protect them," Staples said. "We won't let our Gulf Coast shrimpers down! I'm heading to Galveston with my Dawn and my Salad Spinner next week to be ready for whatever God sends our way," Staples concluded.

For the comedically challenged: yes, the above is satire. It points out absurdity by being absurd. We need more than a bench-warmer as Texas Agriculture Commissioner. Vote for Hank Gilbert

For our humor-challenged readers, yes, this is satire.

- Satire

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