Who Cut The Cheese? - A Parable

Date 2007/11/18 17:20:00 | Topic: Miscellaneous

Once upon a time, in a freaky science laboratory far, far away lived two mice: Scratchy and Sniffy. They lived in a maze, and each day they would wake up and put on their headbands, wristbands, and leotards and run through the maze looking for cheese. Scratchy and Sniffy were both dumber than a sack of hammers, but they had good instincts. Also in this maze lived two tiny mouse-sized pixie people: Darrell, and The Other Darrell. Darrell was lactose intolerant, and the other Darrell was just a rude bastard. Both Darrells would get up every morning and ride their little Segway scooters through the maze looking for cheese. Boy did they love cheese, but cheese did not love Darrell.

Usually whenever the mice and Darrells would get their fill of maze cheese, they’d sit around drinking beer, telling “no-shit” stories, and lighting firecrackers. Occasionally one of the Darrells or one of the mice would float a silent-but-deadly air biscuit, and they would all have to clear out and go back to their rooms amid a chorus of “Aw man!” and “It wasn’t me this time”.

But one day, they all discovered that someone had replaced their regular cheese with lactose-free cheese. Darrell would no longer fart, so the other Darrell had to learn to control himself, because he could no longer have plausible cover to deny his own farts.

Because there were no more room-clearing buttsplosions, the Darrells and the mice could now drink beer, throw lawn darts, and play Dungeons and Dragons late into the night. They all became much closer friends and came to take their fresh air for granted. They would tell themselves: “My life is so good because I am a great conversationalist,” or “I am a likable person who is great to be around.”

Then one day, months later, their cheese was replaced once again with natural cheese that had lactose in it. As usual, the mice and the Darrells ate their day’s ration of cheese, and sat on the porch in cheese station 7 for some beer drinkin’, banjo pickin’, and hopscotch tournament. But it had been months since any of them had ingested any lactose. All of their bodies had given up the enzyme that breaks it down, and they had permanently all become lactose intolerant. Soon, Sniffy began to feel rumblings. Scratchy had some abdominal pain that he at first blamed on Darrell’s choice to bring Budweiser. Darrell knew what was going on because he had felt it before, long ago. The other Darrell just knew he needed to rip one, but he did not want to breech the peace.

All of the mice and pixies were in distress, but they all enjoyed each other’s company so much that nobody wanted to leave the room to go relieve the pressure in his bowels. So they all continued as if nothing happened, with each of them too timid to let one rip.

Scratchy’s cousin Felicia showed up that night with a sack of tacos from Taco Bell, but the other Darrell didn’t see the bag. As soon as he smelled the pungent taco meat, he let one rip. Figuring that he had cover since someone else had obviously farted, and because there were now five of them.

Seconds later, Scratchy, Sniffy, and Darrell all caught the first whiff of Darrell’s green cloud. “Thank God,” they all said to themselves as they each broke wind thinking that they had cover. But soon, Felicia said “You guys are gross!” before she began to choke. Then the mice and Darrells began to inhale the full wrath of their collective poison puffs. Each of them knew that they had been the one to fart, but knew or thought that someone else did too. “Who Cut the Cheese?!?!?” they all exclaimed.

They stayed the rest of the night, with eyes watering and noses burning, continuing their normal beer drinking, Wii playing, and whittling. But they were all miserable and sick and angry at each other.

This went on for days, and eventually Scratchy and Sniffy decided to leave when the farting began and just go back home to their cages. “Why should we stick around and smell Darrell’s ass?” they said.

But Darrell was angry. “Why did this happen to us?” he asked. “I deserve fresh air,” said the other Darrell. “Any day now, they’ll probably put back our lactose-free cheese,” said Darrell. They both felt they had a right to continue their lifestyle, and they would suffer until it came back.

Eventually, things got so bad one day that Darrell had to leave cheese station 7 to get some fresh air. As his lungs expanded with the clean air, he felt a rush of exhilaration and so he got out his Sharpie and wrote on the wall: “Breathing in solitude is better than suffering in the company of rude a-holes.”

He went back to cheese station 7 and told the other Darrell: “You need to go out and get some fresh air!” But Darrell said “I can’t do that! I need to catch the end of Glenn Beck’s show, and then Nancy Grace is coming on.”

Darrell knew right then that he had to make a decision. He decided that hanging out with Darrell watching Glenn Beck was gonna suck. So he left cheese station 7 for good.

Each night when Scratchy, Sniffy, and Darrell finished eating their cheese, they would go for a “nature walk” around the maze. And when I say “nature walk”, I don’t mean looking at plants and rocks and things. I mean walking and letting nature take its course. They all discovered that they could easily walk along, drinking beer, throwing rocks, and cracking dirty jokes and have just as much fun as before. And as they would fart, the cloud would move away, and they almost never smelled it.

The other Darrell just sat around in his own stench and was miserable. He no longer had his friends to hang out with, but he held onto the idea that some day the lactose free cheese would come back and his friends would come back, and they’d all hang out drinking beer, knitting, and break-dancing again.

Darrell tried to comfort himself by drinking beer, playing solitaire, and lighting farts. Unfortunately, his last action would be to blow himself and cheese station 7 into smithereens by lighting a fart. The other Darrell wrote on the wall with his sharpie: “He who lit it, bit it.”

And they all lived happily ever after. (Except Darrell)

This article comes from The Lewisville Texan Journal

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