Hank is an A-hole!

Date 2007/11/27 5:23:59 | Topic: Miscellaneous

You get to know a lot about your family members when you're cooped up with them in a tiny cabin on vacation. This Thanksgiving all of the extended family traveled to Lake Whitney, TX where we all sat around eating and drinking and talking in our tiny rooms. It was mostly fun, but Hank got on my last nerve.

Let me tell you about Hank. First off, his hygiene: He has terrible halitosis and B.O. He smells like Fritos on a good day, and he always sits too close. He never changes clothes or does laundry. In fact, he doesn't do shit. He sits around on his a$# all day, and then wants to go out at night. He has no job and no responsibilities - no children. He never brings any food or drink but will always eat or drink as much as he can of whatever you have. He didn't pay for his own accommodations, so he stayed with us.

Another gross thing: He has an extremely hairy back. And he likes to lay on your bed, and whenever he does it, you get his damn back hair all over the place.

He insisted on being served his meals and didn't get up to lift a finger. It goes without saying he didn't volunteer to wash any dishes. When we asked for help, he didn't say shit. When my brother came over and hung out for a couple of hours and spent time with Hank, Hank didn't say thanks. Nope - Hank just bitched and whined when Zach left.

Hank smacks his food, dropping crumbs all over the floor and breathing heavily. He thinks nothing about picking up food that's dropped on the floor and inhaling it. He sneezes without covering his nose and mouth.

He tries to dominate everything. He wants to be the center of attention. He has no concept of time. He leaves shit outside. When he wants something, he wants it now. He barks out orders like a drill sergeant. He'll raise his voice no matter what time of the day or night, or whether people are trying to sleep. He'll walk in on you when you're trying to go to the bathroom, and won't apologize. He'll pee outside even if people are around - even if nobody's in the bathroom.

Thursday night, when I was trying to go to sleep - a deep tryptophan-induced food coma - Hank kept bugging me to go out with him. I told him no several times, so he came up and was punching me in the chest, insisting that I go out with him.

One of the worst, most embarrassing things about Hank is that he's just so damn inappropriate. He puts his hand on people's knees. I've caught him sniffing underwear. He's an unintentional exhibitionist, and he randomly gets very noticeable erections, such as when he was dancing around the room with my boys. Late at night when the lights are off and he thinks we're sleeping, you can hear him pleasuring himself, and sometimes he'll do it several times a night, even after you've asked him to knock it off.

So, as I was laying in bed, thinking about it, I said out loud to Hank: "You're an a$#h0le!" My wife just laughed her head off. "That's absurd," she said. "Why?" I asked. "How can a DOG be an A#$h0le?" she asked.

Well, he may be a good dog, and I do love him as a family member, but I think he qualifies as an a#$h01e. Some dog lovers would say "Dogs are people too!" Thank God that's not true, or Hank would be in jail.

This article comes from The Lewisville Texan Journal

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